Hello All! Continuing on my streak of posting more than once every couple of months. I must it's extremely hard. However, I push through the pain and write. All for you.
Feel special? You should.
So recently, I have decided to...well..."break-up" with someone who used to be one of my best friends. (I don't feel like getting into that story right now, however if you're truly dying of curiosity, let me know and I may tell you the the story...or not. Haven't decided yet. But that's besides the point.)
Now in the aftermath I find myself conflicted and confused on a few points. I mean, come on. There are so many sites on how to dump your BF/GF. Along with the rules of post break-ups. But does that count with people you haven't jumped into bed with?
I've always held the firm belief that when you break up with someone you're in a romantic relationship with, it should be in person, or at the very least the phone. Breaking up by text or email is just grimy. But when it came down to my BFF dumpage, I wasn't fond of the idea of calling and instead it happened via AIM.
Does that make me grimy too? Or does the fact that we weren't romantically inclined save me from the normal break-up etiquette?
And if I am held to similar etiquette, what does that mean in terms of Facebook and in returning items?
Do you un-friend said person and his/her friends as well? Do you un-tag yourself from their photos? Where's the friend relationship status? I sincerely wish that Mark Zuckerburg would allow our un-friending to be on a newsfeed.
It can be done, I'm sure. If I'm in a fight with someone, I want to be able to say at the moment my friendship with some is "complicated." Maybe I'm "engaged" in a lively conversation with a friend. Or I'm "married" to my friend in the sense that I can not for the life of me escape this person.
If I have to read that "Susie Smith and Marky Michaelson are now friends" on Facebook, or that "Catie O'Hara is now single" shouldn't I be able to read that two people are no longer friends?
Maybe I don't want to be friends with that person either.
Maybe one of them did something terrible like rob a bank or stab a puppy, and the mass amount of people un-friending this person on Facebook is the only clue I have to disassociate with that him or her before the cops come.
You may scoff, but think about it.
What about a more general example.
Suppose you are casual friends with two people who are relatively close. Without you knowing, the two friends have had a falling out. And you post funny things on both their walls, not having the faintest clue what's happening. Next thing you know, you're getting a call or email from one or both of these people asking why you're still friends with them. As if you had any idea. (And don't say "oh my friends would never make me choose" or "my friends would know that I had no idea," because they won't. Friends are dumb like that. That's why they're your friends.)
So now you're put on the spot to choose. And if you're not prepared for such an onslaught, you may end up saying something stupid and being down two friends. As opposed to if you read it on Facebook first and could think to yourself, "Okay so Tammy and Denise aren't speaking anymore. I better make sure I'm prepared for any comments and stories they may say about each other."
Wouldn't that be so much easier? Plus it would help Tammy's friends and Denise's friends know that they are no longer required to be friends with that person if they do not want to be. (And don't lie, you know that there's at least one person in your life that if your bf, bff, sister, etc. started hating, you would be the first one to un-friend his/her profile. Friends by association can be an annoying thing.)
But of course, Facebook doesn't have that. So I'm left with the decision on how good manners work in this case.
Personally, I think that no matter what the relationship, as soon as a person says it's over the dumpee should be the one to delete all the profiles, associations, and memories of that person. They should ask for their stuff back if they want it. And give the dumper the space that he or she asked for. It may seem like I'm making the dumpee do a lot of work, but trust me, it's better this way. It's therapeutic. Plus, hey, they may want to be the first to note these changes. And since you've already done damage with your decision, what the hell. Toss them that bone.
If after a reasonable amount of time, they don't disconnect all contact and stuff, do it yourself so you can squash any nugget of hope that may be lingering in their hearts.
I'm sorry if that sounds cruel. But breaking up is hard to do. If you couldn't stand being a little mean, then you wouldn't be dumping a person in the first place.
I don't think the actual "break-up" needs to be in person, so long as you use the same keys words that everyone knows means bad shit is gunna happen. ("we need to talk," "I've been doing a lot of thinking," "You know this thing between us..." etc.) then it's fine.
And as for the stuff that's taking up space in my room, I'm gunna wait until said person asks for it. After all, if they really wanted it back, they would have no problems asking for it. It's their right. And who could ever pass up an opportunity to tell someone, "give me my sh*t back,"?
But what do you think?
What are the rules for dumping when it's a friend and not a lover?
***Please note that these are my beliefs when you're dumping a friend or a person that you just no longer have any connection with. Not a person that like hit you or cheated on you or was an overall jackass. For those people, there's a whole other set of rules. But that's better left for another post.
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